All The Letters
by RoyalBlueSapphire
Summary: What Happens After The Season Finale
1. Chapter 1

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

At first she's happy, ecstatic even. It's Paris and it's fashion – art, movement, an entire culture and she's in the middle of it all. She communicates with Chuck constantly and he visits her often. They are fixing things, rebuilding and she's relieved. But there's something, just a tiny, little dot of emotions that she doesn't understand, she can't classify it, but it's making a bit uncomfortable in her skin. She thinks it's probably the change of scenery, it will go away soon enough. Oh but it doesn't, it gets stronger each passing day and she can't seem to be able to shake it off. It bothers her all the time, nags her when she is with Chuck.

Two months pass until she finally realizes, or at least admits to herself, what it is. It's unexpected to say the least especially since it's so prominent and seems to be getting stronger. She misses him. Him the boy she left behind to be with her one true love. The boy, whose heart she tore out from his chest and stomped all over. The boy, that hasn't answered any of her calls or e-mails. Even though she admits it, she still naively believes it's temporary. She couldn't be more wrong.

She misses him more and more. She keeps it to herself, acts all normal, is the same around Chuck. But her dreams, they are all of him: sweet, happy times, laughter, stolen kisses and sad times, his heartbreak, her coldness. She always dreams of him and that's scary because he has filled her subconscious and is not moving out anytime soon.

She doesn't know why, not that she knows much these days, but she finally reads his book. The one they fought over, the one she yelled and yelled at him about. She has an idea what it's about, of course, she has read the most important parts, or so she thinks, but still it's high time she put the whole story together. She hides away, doesn't want anyone to see, it would raise too many questions, she has let him go, right?

It's a brilliant satire of course, no surprise there, but it's also an opus about love, from him to her. Oh how she wishes she had read it earlier, before all this mess that she has deliberately created for herself. His love rises from the pages and comes alive right in front of her eyes. She feels her chest tighten, constrict painfully. She wishes… no, no that part is over, she ended it herself, Chuck… Chuck was her choice. Her dreams are void of color that night. She dreams of black and white pictures, long streets, no people, just her trying to find her way back, to what… she doesn't know.

She rereads again and again and her dreams fill with new sadness. She dreams of "Gone with the wind". She's not Holly Golightly, she's Scarlett and she's Ilsa Lund and she's Francesca Johnson, she's all the leading ladies left alone. When did he become her leading man, when did her love story change the players? She doesn't know.

She is changing, she is wilting, she doesn't shine, she has almost no appetite she looks pale and too thin, there is no life, no spark in her eyes. Paris, the grand, beautiful, Paris seems dull and colorless. She tries, she really tries to hide everything. She knows she isn't very convincing. The only reason Chuck hasn't called her out on it, is because he is too busy with Bass Industries and hasn't flown over for a while. Her mother isn't so hard to trick. She has played the part of the perfect daughter long enough. She knows Dorota would know in a second, she's half-disappointed, half-relieved she isn't there.

She doesn't want to think, because she's scared, so very scared. What if she chose wrong, what if… maybe it's a sign that she has chosen Chuck over so many and still they always go back to square one. But that's not the thing that scares her the most. She is good at suppressing her feelings, not letting them pour out, killing the butterflies, stomping out bugs, she's done it all. But sometimes in the dark of the night, when her defenses relinquish their hold a bit, she catches a glimpse of the emotional turmoil that 's in her heart and it shakes her to the core. She feels so much, so strong and all because of him. She loves Chuck more, she has to, that's why she chose him. But it doesn't even feel like her heart is torn between the two men, no, it's just torn over one.

She knows that this is a precarious state. She's in pain, it's too real and too raw. She can't deal, no Constance, NYU, Columbia or years of scheming have prepared her for this.

Chuck will be visiting very soon. She needs to get a hold of herself. She can't hurt him too. She hurt _Dan_, the name leaves a faint sting inside her and she feels like she's suffocating a bit. She hurt herself, all this time being cautious, having her guard up, trying not to be vulnerable with anyone so they don't hold the power over her, so they can't hurt her and still it's herself that hurts her the most. It's ironic really that she seems to forget so often that she is her own worst enemy.

She gets up and gets ready to face yet another day. She tries to look her best and feel her best (is that even possible anymore) for Chuck. He shouldn't see her this way, she should protect him from this, this plague that has taken over her heart and soul.

She tries to stay out of restaurants, weasel her way out of dinner invitations, because she knows he will notice her lack of appetite. She looks in the mirror and she does look beautiful, but not like a special gem, not radiant. She is much too thin, she'll blame work and stress, she hopes she can pull off all the lies she's ready to dish out. They sit at her place mostly, he talks and she listens, or at least tries to, but eventually gives up on the idea and just pretends. God, she is such a liar, she lies, she wrecks things, beautiful things that can make her happy and makes ugly things even uglier.

She's alone. She lost two of her best friends. She's lost, but she's stable. Holding on, but not for long.

She first sees it in A French magazine, where else, she has cut all ties to home. His name catches her eye almost instantly and she feels a tiny flutter in her mostly numb heart. It's a book, his book. She'll buy it, in secret too, why not it can't get much worse that it is.

But it can and it does.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A huge thanks for all the reviews, they make my day!**_

She obtains the book without any problem obviously. She's anxious with a tiniest bit of childish excitement coursing through her veins. She thinks she'll get to feel closer to him somehow. She has been so deprived that even the smallest detail sends her heart into an overdrive. She makes herself comfortable, opens it tentatively and begins her journey through the endless soliloquy of his thoughts.

It's not what she expects. Now that's an understatement of the century. Sure the style and words are his and she knows them, knows that part of him, but the rest is like reading stranger's thoughts. This is satire for sure, but it's a merciless, cold-blooded satire, designed to wound and inflict pain. It's cold and scandalous, no trace of warmth, not a hint of love. It's full of ugliness – ugliness of the UES people, ugliness of what she made of their relationship, ugliness of everyone, of Chuck, of Serena, of her.

She isn't halfway though yet, but her hands and her insides are trembling. Dan didn't write this, he couldn't have, this cold, conniving blade meant to spare no soul. And she's scared again, because he seems bitter and cruel. He shouldn't be! Never! He's warm, safe, trust worthy or he was. No, no, no did she ruin him too?

She is monster, unworthy of any human feeling, unworthy of love, of his love. She didn't just break his heart, she broke his soul, she broke him. How could she? How dare she?

There's pain in her chest as she closes the book, erupting like a volcano and threatening to consume everything on the way. Her eyes have long filled with tears she was holding in, but no more. One drop, second, third and the dam has burst. There's no stopping now. It's not like crying silently in front of her mirror and it's not like any crying she's done before. It's a tidal wave, a tsunami, it drowns her and she can't escape. Ugly sobbing, hyperventilating, heaving, she feels like she's gonna be sick. It's loud too. Eleanor bursts into the room and is shocked by the sight of her.

It's been hours, nothing helps. The tears keep coming and coming. If she could she would probably wonder how much longer she could go on like this. But she doesn't care. She deserves worse. She feels as if she could drown in her tears, but no that would be too easy. Nothing helps, no sweet talking, no pleading, no raising voices, no, nothing. It's a sight.

She feels tired, oh so tired, she almost doesn't notice when the doctor comes in to give her a sedative, but she does and she doesn't care, what's the point really. She doesn't dream, maybe she doesn't deserve that privilege either.

Her mother must have called Chuck, because hours (or months or years) later she wakes up and he's there. He looks anxious and worried beyond belief. She should feel guilty for this too. She does this. He talks, he probes, begs her to tell what is making her act this way, but the only response she is capable of is more tears, endless rivers of tears.

She hates herself, she hates herself, but Blair Waldorf is nothing but a warrior and she will fight, she will fight against herself. She opens her mouth for what feels like the first time in months, with her voice hoarse and probably ugly she tells the truth, the truth she owes. She starts from the beginning, from the moment she started missing _him__**. **_She tells him about her recently acquired inability to breathe, her total disinterest in her life, her health and anything but _him. _She doesn't mention his name once, doesn't think she has the right to, but she doesn't need to. She tells him of the books and her wilting life. She tells him that she is monster and deserves whatever she gets.

So this is what winning a battle and losing the war feels like. He is not angry, probably has the right to be, she lead him on didn't she. She's still crying and trembling and falling apart and he can't be angry because she's in too much pain. She has been trying with him, she has, but even he knows that the endless cycle has been broken. He will let her go, because this isn't another game and she's so sorry and she's blaming herself and hating herself and he doesn't want that especially not because of him. This is it, this is goodbye. Amidst the pain he feels something akin to relief.

He tells her to stop, tells her only she can take the steps put of her misery, tells her that there may still be a chance to fix it, and tells her to fight, like she always wanted to be fought for. It's not over, he says, there's still hope he says, she doesn't believe.

When he leaves she isn't sad to watch him go. She is calmer at least no one feels the need to drug her again. She thinks for so long, she forgets that there's actual world out there.

How does she fight? What can she do? Not knowing answers is her new hobby.

She gets up, makes her way to her desk and pulls put a clean piece of paper, grabs a pen and after a brief contemplation begins:

_ Dan…_


	3. Chapter 3

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_Dan…_

_I don't think I even deserve to call you by your name. I don't deserve anything from you, but alas I want you anyway. I would say I'm sorry, but would those words change anything? I think not. But, God, I am sorry, more sorry than I've ever been for not seeing you, for leading you on, for not allowing you to take permanent residence in my heart (turns out you didn't need permission anyways), breaking yours, and most of all for awakening this bitterness and coldness in you. _

_I never learn do I? Why did I have to destroy you (along with myself) to realize how much I need you. It's like my whole being needs you like air, and without you I'm suffocating a bit more every day. I'm drowning Dan, turns out you were the only thing that kept me afloat and I can't survive without you._

_I read your books, both of them. I destroyed that too. I wish I could cry some more, I wish I could erase all your pain, I would take it for you gladly, since I inflicted it in the first place._

_I know there's no chance, no way out of this darkness. How can I fix this? I wish I could put all my thoughts on paper and give them to you, give you my heart, like you gave me yours, instead I write you this letter I will never send. What's become of me? Or have I always been this, this thing?_

_Love, Blair_

That's how it starts. She puts the letter in an envelope, seals it and tucks it away safely, a piece of her heart with it. What else can she do, really. If she could she would write novels and sonnets and confess her feelings for the world to see. But that's all him, or it was him…she really doesn't want to think about it.

There are always roses at the windowsills and they smell divine, she wants to get closer to feel the softness of the petals on her fingertips, but she doesn't dare to, she doesn't want to ruin anything beautiful anymore, ever.

Eleanor finally notices or maybe Chuck tells her, she may not be mom of the year, but she cares and she is scared. That's all Blair does these days scare and worry people (including herself) and write letters. One a day, at the same time, same place, all tucked away, all hidden from the world. She feels that those letters are the only pure thing that's left of her and she is going to protect them, save them, cherish them. Sometimes she writes with a level-headedness that really does surprise her, but most of the time words are desperate, broken pleas and more often than not there are teardrops all over the words. Letters – that's her outlet, from the moment she wrote Serena that first letter.

Her heart cries out silently: _I love you…I need you…I miss you…_ but there isn't anyone present to listen to the heartfelt declarations. Not that she would want just anyone, no, never, not again. The only thing that is clear without doubt is who she longs for, everything else seems to be covered in thick fog, one she doesn't have the power to lift.

She isn't working, not surprising for someone whose sanity is being questioned on occasional bases, not that she cares. She has no energy and no interest.

New York seems so much farther away than it is. Bittersweet, full of lovely memories and tainted with pain and betrayal. She hasn't kept in touch with anyone but Dorota, and even those calls were few and far between. When she hears Eleanor talking about needing to have Harold over, she realizes how bad it must look.

It feels like eternity, she has stopped looking at the time a while ago. She sets her clock on her letters and counts the days by their number. She is just up to 20 so not that much time has passed since she slipped into this coma. The end of summer is near and that opens up whole another realm of possibilities. More like escape routs she thinks to herself. Maybe she'll stay here or just disappear for a while, not that anyone would notice. She had long stopped following Gossip Girl and even before that most of the blasts were about her ex-best friend going off the wagon. She missed Serena, but it was almost impossible to feel, so she just knew. It seemed as if any other feeling paled in comparison to her "Dan-Misery" as she liked to call it. More like self-inflicted "Blair-Misery", she would probably laugh bitterly, but there's no bitterness…

More letters… more time gone by…

All her life things came down to Serena Van Der Woodsen, golden girl, dream girl and even now she is returning to NY not out of her own free volition but because her flighty ex-best friend's escapades have landed her in ICU. Overdose – why isn't she surprised? God, S, will you ever learn?

She is hurt and she is mad, but it doesn't matter. She's going to be by Serena's side so she can yell at her properly when she wakes up.

She packs hastily, which is good, since it doesn't give her time to think about impending doom. She moves to her sanctuary. Neatly arranged letters and two books greet her. There isn't even a question in her mind as to take them or not. She's going to need them now more than ever.

She needs a person, someone to call, a friend maybe, does she have those anymore, has she ever? Nate, sweet, old Nate with his boyish charm and his struggle to stay neutral while his friends wage war against each other. His voice is surprised, but warm and familiar. He fills her in. Serena OD-ed in LA and Lily had her flown over in their private jet. She is stable, but weak. He tells her other stuff too, about him and Lola which she politely listens to, about Lily and Bart, he hesitates when it comes to Chuck, but she tells him that it's ok, she can hear his sigh of relief.

There's a silence at the end of the line and she knows they have reached the dreaded subject. She knows Chuck would have told him, but what if…She gets nervous for a second, it seems that he can tell by the way her breathing picks up. _He_ doesn't know, he says…she relaxes instantly. Blair, things have changed he isn't the same anymore….

She knows, she already knows

_**A/N: Thanks for being so enthusiastic about this story, it means a lot. So how did I do?**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

When they land in NY it's cold, uncharacteristically cold for late summer. Then again that's exactly the way she feels inside so maybe it's just nature's way of offering her sympathy. It's too quiet, almost eerie, she feels as if the music from "Psycho" should start playing right about now, as she walks into certain emotional annihilation.

It's so much like S to bail when things get hard and leave others to pick up the pieces. But this time Blair too joins in, they have both left destruction in their wake. She has always been there for hurricane Serena, but now she has own mistakes to fix. Maybe she should apologize, to S for sure, to him – she knows that it wouldn't be enough, but she would mean it with her whole being.

Dorota is bustling around as usual, her all knowing eyes analyzing her from the moment she steps into the penthouse. She is ok with it though, she needs Dorota's comfort. Besides this is NY 'and she is not gonna hole up inside anymore. She almost can't remember feeling at home here, she feels like a true vagabond, one that is cursed to never find her sense of belonging. But she does know who she belongs with. With and not to, because that's way it should be, equals, a team…She sighs too much these days.

It's time to go, her mother announces. She shows no hints of reaction on her face, not hints of the turmoil that's brewing inside. She keeps pretending that she doesn't know what (who is more like it) awaits her at that hospital.

Lily, Eric, William, Nate, Lola all familiar faces, but she still feels like a stranger, an intruder. They greet her warmly, as if this summer is just a nightmare and she hasn't played even a small part in Serena's journey of self-destruction. She waits for a while, making polite chit-chat. She doesn't really pay attention. There's room for only one thought: _where is he?_

She can't really ask, so she won't. She just waits. She does a lot of that these days, it's purposeless or maybe she is just waiting for the pain to let up a bit, so she can function normally.

Lily asks if she wants to go in. _Of course_… why does her voice sound so unfamiliar? If anyone notices, they don't mention it, though she catches the apprehensive look in Nate's eyes.

The room is as luxurious as it gets in a hospital, Lily Bass wouldn't settle for anything less. Lily and her, both choosing Basses, both breaking hearts. She wonders what Lily's reasoning is, is she questioning everything too? But no, Lily's colder, more calculating, that's what Blair thought she was, but she doesn't want to be, she wants to be more like the way her mother is with Cyrus. Her and Chuck they're Lily and Bart, but her and _him_ they're Eleanor and Cyrus.

Serena, the beautiful, alight, blazing Serena looks dull and helpless. It hits Blair straight in the heart. She may have hated her before (now she can't hate anyone but herself), but she still loves her and she never wants to see her this way. It's getting a little harder to breathe, but it's fine she's learned to live half out of breath, with a half a heart. The feeling of loneliness gets more palpable, her guilt takes on a life of it's own. It's overwhelming, she needs to get out, so she walks out without looking back. She will be back though, she won't leave everything in pieces anymore.

It would be rude to leave without saying goodbye, so she heads back to the waiting room, literally and figuratively. At first she sees nothing out of the ordinary, about to open her mouth and bid them farewell. She sees Eric shift uncomfortably and follows his gaze. And sure enough, there _he _is, talking to Nate, doesn't seem like he will be staying long, and he hasn't noticed her.

She takes time appreciate the view while it lasts. He looks good, better than good, his hair shorter – she wants to run her fingers through it, tag at it while they're kissing. She feels it build slowly, the yearning, until it spreads through her body, making every cell tingle with longing. It's paralyzing.

She looks past it. His posture isn't lazy and relaxed as before, the air around him isn't as warm, and there's a hint of coldness on his face.

The room gets awfully quiet. He looks up catches her gaze and the cold disinterest in his eyes shoots daggers right at her heart. He continues his conversation as if she isn't even there, nothing, no emotion, not even hate or anger. This is worse.

Nate is uncomfortable, she can tell. She won't fall apart, not now. She gathers her wits and her voice and utters a tentative, shy _bye _and she's gone. No acknowledgement at all.

It's still cold, no hint of warmth, not that she expects any. She doesn't really want to go home, but it's not like she has anywhere else to be. She walks and walks, she thinks. Scared thoughts, sad thoughts, self-condemning thoughts, tiny warm thoughts, thoughts of love and desire and adoration tainted with the black ugliness of pain and misery.

It hurts but still she wants to see him again, even if to only admire him from afar. He did it enough for her, stood aside and watched her love everyone else but him. A fool, she's such a fool.

She'll go again, she'll go every day hoping, wishing that he comes too. Hoping that she won't keep him away. It's Serena, his ex, his friend, his ex-step-sibling, of course he'll go. He doesn't hate her at least.

She walks most of the way and when she gets home she's dead on her feet. She doesn't have much energy these days. It's early but her bed is calling to her. After a moment of hesitation she stumbles into her closet and pulls out one of his shirts from the back. Something she has denied herself thus far. But not today, there's not enough fight left in her. She hugs it to her chest, inhales deeply. She won't cry, she won't wear it, she won't let anything taint his smell, his wonderful, warm, comforting smell.

As she falls asleep she wonders if he still smells the same way…

_**A/N: So how did I do?**_


	5. Chapter 5

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**Reviews make my day :) **_

After the "incident" the days go by as colorless and as tasteless as before. She reads, she writes letters, one a day, always and goes to visit Serena. Five days and he hasn't come around again. Serena is awake and stable, but Blair hasn't seen her yet. She knows that S is aware of her presence, but still something is holding her back. She knows that once she sees her, it will be a whirlwind of emotions, as much as she wants S to be stronger before that happens, she is also stalling for the sake of herself too. She knows that once she goes into the room she has to let go of everything, let go of all the anger, hurt and the resentment that still lingers from all the years she kept coming in second to the golden beauty. She doesn't want to do things half-way again, she wants to forgive and forget, something she wishes she had done earlier.

When she finally sees S it's all tears and hugs, and pleas for forgiveness and promises to work it out. S will be going to rehab for a long time, to finally move on from her way of "dealing" when things go terribly wrong. She feels much, much better; at least she's fixing one relationship. Before she leaves, though Serena asks her if she still reads Gossip Girl. _No, I don't. _Another question, one she doesn't really understand and one that scares her: _the worst thing I've ever done, the most hurt that I've caused completely intentionally, do you want to know it now or after I come back? _She is baffled, confused, doesn't really know what to answer.

She takes her time. She has barely mastered enough courage for this. But she knows, through this pain and loneliness she has learned a lot, she knows without doubt that she can't take any more lies, it's better to just rip the band-aid. It better in the long-run. So she braces herself and tries to prepare her heart for the worst. _Now…_

_I slept with Dan before I left _and that's it, she doesn't want to hear more. Breathe, breathe, in and out, in and out. She puts up her hand to signal S to stop. _Don't…just don't…I can't…after rehab. _And with that she runs out. And keeps running, not caring that she is bumping into people left and right, she doesn't care.

_I slept with Dan, I slept with Dan… _It's all she can hear, it'sthe only sound in her head. Everything feels so unreal, the world around seems to be moving in slow motion.

She's on the street looking around frantically: _Where do I go? Where do I go?_

Her instincts take over again and she walks… she walks endlessly, until she can't feel her feet anymore. She takes in her surroundings, Central Park. Full of so many fond memories, times spent with friends, with Dorota by the pond, with him. No! She stops herself, she will not think of that.

She makes her way to the loneliest looking bench and sits down, she doesn't want any interruptions. Everything is silent now, it's early afternoon so there are no children, no laughter and no smiles. She's grateful, it would hurt too much.

Her thoughts race through her brain like a fast-paced slide show. It's too frantic, she doesn't understand. Then she picks up one clear thought – Gossip Girl, Serena asked about Gossip Girl.

She takes out her phone and checks the site for the last time. It's same old drama, secrets, exposes. Her fingers move fast, doing the dance they were so used to. She finds it in no time – a video. She only watches long enough to make sure it's him, after that it doesn't matter.

She doesn't know how to feel. Betrayal, hurt, anger and guilt battle each other in her heart and mind. Wait, she needs to be logical, she has made enough rash decisions, now it's time to be grown-up, let's not make assumptions. She goes through all the information, looks for a loophole.

Aha! She finds one. It doesn't make difference she will still feel betrayed (by S? Of course. By him? She doesn't really get to play the victim and she doesn't want to, but she can't help the way she feels), but maybe it would change something else.

She has the question and now it's time to find the answer. But what if Serena's already gone. She calls Eric and she is late. Why isn't she surprised? Should have known better, really.

But she needs an answer and she needs it now. And since there is no way she will get it out of S, she will just have to ask the only other person that knows for sure.

She understands the implications of this. Is she ready? Is she ready to face the unavoidable doom that comes with this. Let's hope she is, because she's already calling, before she can talk herself out of it.

Her voice is calm and collected, a far cry from the way she's feeling. He picks up from the second ring. No preamble, no stalling, just one question. _Is he at the Loft?_ There's a sharp intake of breath and she knows that he will try to fight her, she won't give up. _No, no… Blair I don't know what you are trying to do but you can't ok? Give it up, let it go, be the bigger person. _And normallyshe would agree, why cause more angst and drama, but not this time. _Nate…_her voice murderous, telling him, warning him, she isn't playing around. He must get the message, because his answer (after a long pause, mind you) is a _yes…_

She calls the driver, doesn't really have the patience for a taxi now. The ride is quiet. She is keeping herself in check, no thoughts, no emotions, just calm exterior. She really doesn't want her resolve to break._ Not knowing hurts more_, she tells herself.

The building looks the same, feels the same makes everything that has happened seem so surreal. As she climbs she fleetingly thinks how this place used to be a second home to her, a sanctuary, a safe house and then something else. She suppresses that, kills it.

When she reaches the landing she realizes that she is trembling. _Breathe, do not be so weak…_she chides herself_. _She counts the seconds. When she feels that she's stable enough, she moves closer to the door. Another breath and she raises her hand.

Another one and her hand curls into a fist.

One, two, three and…


	6. Chapter 6

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**R&R**_

It feels almost strange to knock, to ask permission. She knows this place too well for that, knows every corner, every shelf, knows his room better than her own. It seems so long ago that they were happy here. Her giggles, his laughter, and then breathy moans and his name on her lips as she fell over the edge again and again_…_and _Dan…Dan…Dan…_

The last time she knocked on this door, she had come to give him her heart. Why didn't she? Why?

The door opens and before she looks up to meet his gaze she puts her hand on the side of the frame in an attempt to make sure he doesn't slam it in her face.

She meets his eyes, something flickers in them before they return to their newly acquired cold and calculating look. She knows that she doesn't have much time, but she wants to take him in nonetheless. God, he looks good, he looks like an oasis in the middle of the desert, like relief and it almost numbs the pain in her chest, but not quite. She's still very aware that he is as far from her as possible.

It's almost ridiculous how very aware her body is of his presence. Every nerve ending is hyper alert and she really wants to get closer, to bridge the distance between them. She is supposed to feel angry, betrayed, but her body doesn't want to cooperate. When did the desire for him become so engrained? She wants to reach out and caress his face with her fingers, trace his lips with her fingertips, kiss the corner of his mouth, she wants to be infinitely gentle with him until she chases away all of his dark thoughts.

She wants to see the smile she used to put on his face, he used to look lit from within. That's what their love is, was, it's a spark, a flame that gives way to a slow-burning fire. Her and Chuck, they had fireworks, powerful while they lasted, but dangerous – a fire hazard, always over before they even begun. Her and _him, _she is so acutely aware that she is very late in her revelation of their love being the forever kind. She will love him for the rest of her life and there's nothing either of them can do about it.

His mere presence is making her woozy. And she almost doesn't mind, but there's a nagging voice at the back of her head that won't let her forget what brought her here. So she finds her voice: _one question…just one. _His look is imperceptible, his eyes running over her face. She feels that he is this close to refusing, but in the end he gives a barely-there nod. Must be the look on her face, is she wearing her heart on her sleeve now too?

OK, it's time to face the music. _Now or never_, _now or never. _Steadying breath, or two. _You and Serena… was it before or after…_Her voice betrays her a little at the end, but he must know exactly what she's talking about, because another imperceptible look passes over his face. Communication was always there strong suit, that is, of course, until she refused to break up with him in person. _Fool…what a fool…_

The longer he stays silent_, _the harder it gets to breathe. Dread starts to spread through her body slowly, inch by inch. If he doesn't answer _now _she'll lose her m…

_Before…_just one word and that's it. Just one. Just another twist of a blade in her heart.

She is so shocked. She shouldn't be, really. There was a 50-50 chance after all. But she is, so she doesn't notice that he maybe wants to say more, that he was tricked, that Serena played on his insecurities, but he, or mostly the part of him that realizes that this coldness and bitterness aren't him, the one that he suppresses with all his might, knows that he is still to blame and he won't forgive himself for it.

_Thank you,_ she says politely, just to make sure that she doesn't come off as tormented as she feels. She turns around and walks down the stairs. The door closes right away, no lingering stares, no lingering feelings.

She doesn't remember getting in the car or getting out of it, she doesn't remember how she took the elevator. She opens her eyes and she's in her room. A heavy weight appears in her heart, makes the way to her throat and bursts out as an anguished, blood-curling scream.

She goes off after that. Destroying everything she sees, throwing things, kicking things. She doesn't care who hears, doesn't care if by tomorrow she's in an asylum. She doesn't think at all.

She remembers the letters just as a frantic Dorota appears in her doorway. She reaches for them. Wants to rip them apart, destroy them, but Dorota stops her. Even thought the anger has given her a renewed strength she is still weak and no match for her. Eventually there's no point in fighting, so she lets go, crumbles, maybe passes out. It's ok, it will all be here tomorrow, she's think tomorrow.

…_sleep…_

There's a lot Blair Waldorf doesn't know these days. She doesn't know what she's waiting for and whether she should stop, she doesn't know how to scheme her way out of this. What Blair also doesn't know is that there's someone at the other end of the town, across the Brooklyn Bridge, who's going through the same emotional turmoil. Someone, who wants to close a chapter in his life and move on with cool indifference, someone who can't. Someone who hates her and wants to forget her, but at the same time loves her, still, for forever, and endlessly wishes things were different. But that someone suppresses it, disregards it, so no, she doesn't know. If Blair Waldorf knew she would run to him and beg him and grab him and never let him go. But she doesn't know…


	7. Chapter 7

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A/N: The reviews touch my heart, thank you**_

When she wakes up she finds out she's been asleep for more than two days, explains the uncomfortable feeling in her muscles. There's no trace of the havoc she has wreaked in her room. She is famished, devours food like she hasn't eaten for a week. Still feels exhausted, she doesn't even know what restful sleep is anymore.

She got lucky. Dorota is the only one that has seen her lose her mind. That's probably the only reason she isn't locked up somewhere.

She spends most of her days sitting by the window and looking outside, not really seeing anything. Sometimes she goes downstairs, turns on the TV and just listens. She wants to read, but books are _their _thing, so they're tainted, off limits. Wants to want all the movie classics, but alas that is lost for her too, so she just sits through trashy sit-coms and pathetic attempts at humor.

The worst part though, the one that really shows how bad thing are, is that she doesn't write them anymore, no more letters. She can't, she is too numb for that. It's the only way she keeps herself together. Is she lets herself feel, well…she doesn't even want to imagine what would happen.

She feels like a helpless child. Dorota coaxes her into getting up, into brushing her hair, into eating. She just follows, her body on auto-pilot. But she knows this can't go on anymore and she's so grateful that she is sane enough to understand that this is too unhealthy, that things have to change. She doesn't rush herself though.

She starts to venture outside the apartment. Little by little, a little more each day, she really does need a breath of fresh air. She always goes alone; she isn't too enthusiastic about any company.

She goes to the park a lot, sometimes to feed the ducks, sometimes just to sit on the bench and sometimes to swing on the playground. She walks all the time, likes to tread into unfamiliar territories and make acquaintance with new places. She ditches her high heels for comfortable flats and heads out to explore. There is so much she doesn't know, so much she hasn't seen and to think that she's lived in the city her whole life.

It must be really good for her, because some color returns to her cheeks and Dorota doesn't look like she's afraid to leave her alone anymore. Her appetite is returning. She is slowly putting herself back together, piece by piece. She knows that she will never be the same as before, but she is glad, she welcomes the change.

She goes to the park every day now. Sometimes Dorota tags along, she is not ready to face anyone else. But if she has learned anything this past year, it's that things come weather you are ready for them or not…

She first hears the sound of little feet hitting the pavement and delighted childish laughter. She doesn't even look up until another voice reaches her ears. That one is unmistakable, she has heard it so many times, in so many ways, scathing, playful, amused, vengeful. The many faces of Georgina Sparks never fade from memory.

Her old rival is one of the last people on earth she would want to see, especially when she has cut all contact even with those close to her.

_My, my, if it isn't our lovely Queen B. I'm surprised you decided to grace New York with your presence considering the fact that Chuck Bass has no interest in you and your so-called best friend would choose your other ex over you any day._

She smiles, content with the biting snark. For once Blair has no answer, no witty retort. Alert the media, the end is nigh. Georgina must notice this because she gives her a once-over and rolls her eyes.

_You're no fun, _she almost pouts, sighs and sits down next to her. _All your_ _fault, you know. The guy was madly in love with you and he was decent too. A little too decent for my taste, but hey, no one's perfect. I liked it, UES and Brooklyn uniting, I'm always for a good scandal, but now you guys are just pathetic._

She flicks her hair over her shoulder and continues with a smirk. _He really wants to b_e _all mean and scathing, but let's face it the only Humphrey that can succeed in that has been shipped away already. _

She stands to leave and just as Blair thinks she's gone she hears her voice again, quiet, more secretive, devilish: _he still loves you, _followed by her signature laugh.

She doesn't know how to react to that, because it's inconceivable. How could he still love her after all she had done? Her feelings are a jumble for a bit until a dominant one emerges…

This time she doesn't knock, she can't bring herself to care about common courtesy now. All the anger that she has been ignoring until now, hits her in waves and she gives in, because she just can't fucking resist anymore. Her eyes seek him out. He looks a little like a deer caught in the headlights and she would laugh if she wasn't so determined to rip his head off.

_How could you?_

He straightens out, braces himself. _Excuse me? _

_How could you have sex with her? How could you fuck Serena?_

_Probably the same way that you could break up with me via freaking e-mail. _His voice is calm, he is not even close to losing his temper. She can't stand that indifference.

_I didn't tell you I loved you and then fuck your best friend, before_ _I knew that you had chosen someone else. _Her voice is getting more and more shrill.

_Serena told me that you had chosen Chuck, _still that calm voice. She feels her temper flare more.

_It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what she said, it doesn't even matter who I chose in the end. You didn't give me the benefit of doubt. And Serena again? You knew how painful the betrayal was for me the first time and you still did the exact same thing. _

That seems to stir something within him because the façade has shattered and she can literally see the anger tumbling over the surface.

_I was hurt! You going back to Chuck destroyed me. I loved you so fucking much, for so long, I had spent all this time admiring you from afar and when you said I had your heart, I …I just…My own fault, really, I was an idiot for believing you would actually break the cycle for me, can't say I hadn't been warned._

She is crying at this point, big, silent tears rolling down her cheeks and he's just tired, tired from yelling, from pretending, from hurting.

_It's not okay…it still doesn't make it okay…_Her voice is as tiny and frail as she feels.

_I know…_His voice is resigned, he's not fighting her anymore. And at the moment he's not cold, he's not mean or scathing, he's just lost and he's her Dan now, for the moment.

_We fought after…that's why I haven't seen her since…_

Their gazes don't waiver and it hurts more and more because she now knows that she could forgive him, she could beg him to take her back and work this out, if only he wanted to. Maybe Georgina's wrong, maybe she's right and love is just not enough.

She turns around and walks out silently. By the time the cool air hits her face she knows she will be writing a letter today…


	8. Chapter 8

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A/N I would really recommend listening to Gravity by Coldplay while reading this…**_

_Dan…_

_This is the last one, the last letter that I will write. Not that it matters to you, you won't get to read them anyways. They have helped me Dan, they have made dealing with my loss a bit more bearable. They have been my outlet, I have poured my heart out to them over and over again. I have been more honest with them than I have been with anyone, ever. They have been my last links (along with "Inside") to our love._

_I dream of you, of what we had, of what we could have had if I hadn't been so blind. But I have to stop, I have to let you go. Just know that I don't want to (I don't even know how to), I want to hold on to you for eternity. But I need to, because I endlessly complicate your life, I hurt you and make you bitter. You should be happy, so happy, and if me staying away is how that's achieved then so be it._

_We have both made mistakes, stupid, foolish mistakes that hit in the most painful places. I will never forgive myself for that. You'd think that I would know exactly how hurtful feeling like a second choice is, but I still put you through it. I'm so sorry. You could never be my second choice, because you will forever be my only choice. _

_There will never be anyone else in my heart. You have taken over and you haven't left any room for intruders. There hasn't been a moment when I have regretted loving you, not at the worst, not at the darkest. You are the only thing that I got right. But I have ruined everything._

_This guilt will stay with me for the rest of my life, but the regret, the idea of what could have been will be infinitely more haunting._

_If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me and let me in again I would forget all about you and Serena (I'm already beginning to). I would spend my life with you without the tiniest hesitation and I would spend whatever comes after loving you. No more running, no more denial, no more lies, just love…_

_I sincerely hope you have a happy life…I need you to. Don't let what I've done break your soul…_

_With all my heart,_

_Blair_

Her hands are shaking as she signsher name, her whole body trembles as she puts the letter in an envelope and tucks it away, forever. One more goodbye, how many can she take before there's nothing left of her?

She will allow herself to dream of him just once, but those dreams will be all sweet and happy, they will all be of their best times. She won't let the melancholia touch them this once. Those memories deserve a proper goodbye and that's what she will give them.

Everything around her seems gray and lifeless, it's too appropriate. She goes into her closet and pulls out a box, where she has been hiding away all the mementos of their love. She looks over all the movie tickets, coffee shop receipts, photos. A smile shines through her pain, because no amount of hurt and ugliness is capable of destroying the beauty of their love.

She studies all of them with tender care, everything she holds so dear for hours. Finally she puts the box away with a resigned sigh. She will keep it, just like she will keep all her letters; she can't just go cold turkey.

As she sleeps she can feel hot tears rolling down her cheeks, completely out of control. Those are the tears of her soul, it weeps for the loss of a kindred spirit, of a soul mate.

After that things start to get a little more normal. She will not wallow anymore. She calls Nate, her only friend right now. They hang out, sometimes just the two of them, sometimes Lola joins in.

She reads, sometimes even goes to the movies, gets ready to start working again. Things seem to be getting back to normal. "Seem" being the key word. Her eyes are devoid of sparkle, there is no happiness, there is just routine and some kind of normalcy. And then…

She feels it from the moment she wakes up, something is amiss. Something akin to a sixth sense is telling her that things are about to go terribly wrong, but that is_ for the religious, the superstitious, and the lower class. _So she doesn't take notice, goes about her day as usual. Until…

She can't find them…anywhere. The whole room gets turned upside down in a matter of minutes. There's a heavy feeling at the pit of her stomach and she feels an oncoming panic attack.

_Dorota! _She doesn't even wait for the maid to show up and just rushes downstairs to find her straight away.

_Letters…my letters, where are they?_

The look that crosses Dorota's face scares her. She needs them, even if she doesn't read them anymore, _most of the time_…

_Gone…_and after the longest pause…_I send them to Lonely Boy…_

A faint _no…_escapes her lips and she slides down the wall, puts her head between her knees in an effort to stop the overwhelming feeling of nausea. This isn't like before, when she welcomed the feeling, forced it, and enjoyed purging. This time she hates it, it feels so unnatural and unhealthy. This is out of sheer desperation and panic.

_When?_ She raises her head just enough to hear the reply.

_Yesterday…_

She doesn't have the desire to yell or issue threats. She can't even feel anger. All she wants is for the ground to open up at swallow her whole.

_Yesterday,_ the voice repeats in her brain. He must have already read them, no he has definitely read them…

She hears Dorota talking, but she only understands separate words and has no power to put them together, something about too much suffering and not telling the truth, who cares…

She does, because he has read and he didn't feel a thing, he didn't call, he didn't come over, he didn't even e-mail. Those letters, those words… it's much worse than her not saying "I love you" back.

She doesn't move for a while and when she does it's to get to her room to curl up into a ball on her bed.

What can she do? What can she do?

She will have to go back to Paris. She can't stay here anymore, no, the mortification…

She will leave, yes, that's the only way.

She barely registers how it gets dark and how the big, heavy raindrops start covering her windows, she barely hears the sound of elevator doors opening, barely acknowledges when Dorota tells her that she has an important visitor, barely feels when she grabs her hand and drags her downstairs into the hallway.

Not until her eyes rise up to meet another pair of chocolate brown orbs, does she wake up from her trance…


	9. Chapter 9

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A/N Reviews make me really happy**_

She forgets how to breathe for a second…her eyes wide as they take him in. His clothes disheveled, wet hair matted to the skin of his forehead. Two things she notices: his eyes – they don't look cold or indifferent, they look pained and desperate and with a hint of something she can't place. Second thing, in his hand, clutched tightly, is the stack of her letters.

A gasp escapes her lips and she unconsciously takes a step back. She knew, didn't she, but seeing them in his hand makes it much more real. What has he come to do? Tear her apart with scathing words or reject her without any hassle. Doesn't look like the former…

_Wha…? You? I thought…_

He seems incapable of forming a coherent sentence. That makes the two of them.

He takes a deep breath and after another agonizing minute begins.

_Blair... _her name on his lips makes her tingle all over, she hasn't heard it for months.

_I thought you chose Chuck, I thought you loved him, I thought you were happy…_

_I thought so too…_she is gonna go all the way in now, no more holding back. _Those letters, I meant every word, every single one._

_I don't understand…_

_It's okay, you don't have to, you were never meant to read them…_

_Why?_

_Why what?_

_Why didn't you want me to read them? You didn't think I deserved to know? _His voice takes on a desperate tone and she realizes that this next answer may be life-changing.

_No_, _that not it, that's not it at all…I just didn't want to hold you back anymore, I wanted to set you free from this darkness that I have dragged you into. Look at what I have done to you, I didn't just break your heart, I…_

_No! _The word is loud and clear and final. _Look Blair, when you left, the way you left, it hurt so much I thought the only way to numb it is was through revenge, so I was cold and I was cruel and I wrote that book, I spent hours trying to pick out the most hurtful scenarios with Georgina _(tears fill her eyes), _but it didn't work and it never will. And it could never change the truth. Yes,__ Blair you did break my heart, but it was yours to break, it will always be yours to break, it will always belong to you. If what happened last summer didn't change that I can't imagine what could. _

That something in his eyes, something she couldn't place earlier, it's still there andfinally realizes what it is – love. Her heart soars and threatens to burst out of her chest. The sheer power of this raw, invigorating emotion is astounding.But she has to calm down, has to make sure. _What does that mean? Where does that leave us? _She isn't even trying to hide how shaky her voice is, because this is it, the moment, the single most important moment of her life and he should see just how much it means to her that he came, he's here and he's saying these things she thought she would never hear.

He must realize this too, because his whole body is trembling and his eyes are wide. With shaking hands he grabs one of her letters and reads out loud: _If you could only find it in your heart to forgive me and let me in again… _He stops and of course she knows what he is talking about. Their gazes meet and don't falter, holding each other's for what seems to be eternity.

Until one of them, and for the love of God, she can't bring herself to care who, moves, and then they are in each other's arms, holding on so tightly that she has trouble breathing. She doesn't care, if she died now, she would die happy.

His smell, his wonderful, safe smell…he is what home smells like to her, he is her home. Her cheek resting on the soft flannel of his shirt, how could she ever think that this wasn't what she wanted? This is what she will always want.

His heartbeat is fast under her ear and she turns her face to press a gentle kiss right on top of his heart. There are tears in her eyes and all over her cheeks, but for once they are happy tears. His face is buried in her hair and she feels little droplets of water on her scalp, so she knows that they feel the same way.

When they finally break apart it seems like years have passed and nothing is the same anymore, it's really not. His fingers grasp hers and with a much steadier, albeit a hoarse, voice he begins.

_We need to take this slow. We need to fix this step by step. _She couldn't agree more. It will take some time to rebuild what they have lost, but at least now she knows that they will try and they will try with all their might.

_We should start like the last time. Build a friendship first, learn to trust again. _His eyes skim over her face and it's impossible to miss the accompanying tenderness and fondness.

_Come over to the loft, we can watch a movie, your choice._

_Yes, okay, yes. _And it feels like ages since she smiled like that, her eyes are huge and wet, her cheeks hurt and her dimples actually show.

He gives one of her hands a firm, but gentle squeeze and moves to leave. They watch each other, not looking away until the elevator doors close and he's gone.

She knows that this is just the beginning, things are far from perfect and they will stay this way for some time, but there's finally a light at the end of the tunnel.

She remembers her words perfectly: _no more running, no more denial, no more lies, just love…_

She will keep her promise, she is so determined. She picks up her phone and…

_Hello, Dr. Sherman. This is Blair Waldorf. I would like to make an appointment…_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A/N: Your reviews are such an inspiration. Thank you. This is the penultimate chapter by the way, so it's almost done.**_

Her insides are trembling with anticipation, but it's a good kind of nervousness. She tries not to over-think it, not make it out to be something more than it is, but still it's impossible to deny the magnitude of what's about to happen. She has spent hours trying to decide on the movie, spent the whole day trying to calm her heart. Dorota drops by her room every so often and gives her an all-knowing look.

They haven't actually agreed on time, but she knows that he will be waiting for her. So she holds for as long as she can, she wouldn't want to turn up at an unreasonable hour (as if that matters) and heads out.

She probably hasn't put as much thought in her appearance as she should have, but this is Dan, she doesn't want to win him over with her body. She wants to encourage him to trust her and let her into his heart again.

She takes the car, but gets out when she's close enough to finish the way on foot. Walking is still her thing, maybe soon they can do that together, along with all _their _things. There's a pep in her step that has been absent for so long, there's a hint of lightness in her being that she didn't think she would ever get to feel again.

This time she knocks once and pokes her head in tentatively. He is sitting on the couch, his laptop balanced on his knees and when he looks up to greet her, she gets a little smile and a nod. She makes her way and sits down next to him, making sure to leave enough room between them.

_Hi…_a long pause…_I've ordered pizza, gourmet of course…_that brings a small smile to her face…_so what did you choose?_

_How to steal a million…_he approves. And so they begin.

She was right, it is awkward at best, they are very conscious of that. The silence is very loud, but anything else would be too soon, too forced, they have to give it time.

He gets up to get the pizza and when he comes back, he sits down a little bit closer. There, another baby step.

When it's done, he invites her again. She agrees wordlessly, but insists that this time he choose what to watch.

When she leaves, she feels so much better, just two days and she will see him again. But in the meantime…

When she goes into the office she's instantly reminded of the time she spent here as a recovering bulimic. The cause is different this time, but the goal is the same – recovery, rehabilitation. It isn't enough to just break the cycle, she has to eradicate the reasons behind it's existence.

This time she will fix herself fundamentally, all the way, for herself. For him also, but mostly for herself, because it's time to really grow up, to let go. She will not ruin her happiness again. She will learn to love herself and accept her insecurities.

She goes in and makes herself comfortable on the plush sofa. She remembers how it was before; she didn't want to be here. The small part of her that realized that what she was doing to her body was wrong always came second to the part that wanted to be in control, wanted to have her cake and eat it too. Literally…

She realizes why it took so long to break the habit. One – she didn't wholly want to get better, two – the root of the problem was much deeper than she could have imagined. All her problems came down to it, stemmed from it. Well this time she would tie all the loose ends. She wouldn't be lost anymore, she wouldn't need to sabotage her best friend or steal the spotlight from her boyfriend.

This Blair Waldorf, the one she would work to shape now, would be here to stay, forever, and she would truly be _fiercely strong, independent, outspoken, beautiful and capable of anything._

She talks for hours on end until her voice is hoarse and she is drained, but it feels good, it feels great, it gives her hope. She will be back, many times, until she is ready to stand on her own.

That's the beauty of it, being able to hold your own, to face the world alone, but never having to, because while you are strong enough, you do have someone who will stand next to you, as equals, as peers, as a team.

By the time so goes to the loft for the second movie, things are looking up, for her as an individual and for them together. The awkwardness has faded a little and they actually make small talk. It's tentative and shy, but it's there and it makes all the difference.

She starts inviting him to her walks. To say that he is surprised when she turns up at his door, wearing jeans and flats and announces that they will be visiting Soho, would be a major understatement. But her enthusiasm is contagious and he is happy to tag along.

That is also the first time either of them mentions how they were without each other, depressed, lonely and just plain sad. Blair tells him how she was after she found out about him and Serena, tells him that this is exactly what helped her. He, in turn, tells her about how much he regrets purposefully hurting everyone with his book. How this plotting, scheming, scathing aren't him at all and he never wants to be like that. Blair tells him that it's okay, that they will find their way again. Her voice sounds so sure, so confident and she knows he believes her.

From the beginning of their friendship and all through their relationship he was always the one that stayed. The one that waited for her at home while she went out to find herself, the one that picked up the pieces when her plans blew up in her face, the one who rubbed her back while she mourned her losses. But this time she would make sure that she was there for him, that he could lean on her, that he knew that she wasn't going anywhere, that they would fix this together…


	11. Chapter 11

_**Everything belongs to their rightful owners**_

_**A/N: so this is it guys, the last chapter. Huge thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story, added it or me to favorites. I'm honored and flattered. You have all been such an inspiration. I wanna give a special shout out to Jonny Napalm, Poetic4U and Magnus57. Your words have touched my heart more than once. Lastly, Dair lives on in our hearts and here, in our fanfics.**_

Their journey is slow and meticulous. But they don't need to rush, they have all the time in world. This is so unlike before, when she thought that she had to become a powerful woman fast enough so that she wouldn't lose the one she loved. Now she can take her time and truly flourish at simply being herself.

By the time Christmas is around the corner they are inseparable just like the year before. However, this time around the deeper connection between them isn't ignored, both of them aware of the feelings they hold for each other, neither of them mention it, but they don't need to, their actions speak louder.

Blair has been going to her meetings with Dr. Sherman weekly and she has been encouraging both herself and Dan to reconnect with the people they care about, UES or not. Though they haven't talked about it, not once, they are both anxious for Serena's return, that can of worms has been sealed for a while and neither of them know how they will deal once it opens.

They are both working, on the things they love, her on a new fashion line and him on his next opus. She is so happy with the direction her life has taken and for once she isn't wondering if the other persons feels the same, if she is enough for them. There's no self-doubt, no fear of rejection. She feels so young with all the weight lifted off her shoulders.

The first time he kisses her they are on their way back from Christmas shopping. She is so excited, her eyes wide, cheeks flushed and it's almost like he can't help himself. When she melts into him, it's obvious that neither of them can. It's like a breath of fresh air after continuous suffocation. When they break apart her heart, their hearts are fast and the smiles splitting their faces. She grabs his hand, squeezes and goes on prattling about this and that.

After that their kisses grow bolder as the passion they hold for each other starts to take over.

One night when she is lying in her bed, completely restless, she realizes it's time, so she gets up and heads out at the middle of the night. He is surprised, obviously, but it's all pleasant. He lets her in wordlessly and hands her a cup of hot chocolate as she gets comfortable on the couch. His look is expectant, but patient and she is struck again with how right this is.

_I need to tell you something…everything…_

And so she starts, all the way from the beginning, her bulimia, daddy issues, inferiority, later about Chuck and doubting her worth and being ashamed of herself, about NYU and feeling so alone.

Finally she starts the last chapter, about him and her, about her choice, about her misery, about her depression and her appointments, how she put herself back together. At the end she tells him that she is ready now, completely ready to love him the way he deserves, for the rest of her life…

With his eyes misty and his heart swelling he in turn begins his narrative, from the beginning to this very moment, about his mom, his sister, his loves, his regrets, his everything. They talk for hours, sunrise passes without any notice. There are no more secrets between them, no more bitterness. She had wanted to regain his trust, so she gave him all of hers and he reciprocated.

Afterwards they lean in simultaneously and this time they really can't help it. Hearts are mended and bound together and they need to feel the connection.

Blair feels that in many ways this is her first time. She's never been this vulnerable, but it feels right, there is no need to lock up and bolt.

Their kisses grow more frantic and they move. Her in his arms, her legs around his waist as they make the way to his room. Their lips never once break apart and when they can't hold anymore, they just need to breathe, they lips seek out every available inch of their lover's skin.

Cloths start to come off, they fall on the bed together, finally skin to skin. They take their time, explore, get reacquainted with each other, make each other squirm and beg until none of them can take it anymore. When they finally connect it's more than ever, more intense, deeper, Blair has never felt this close to anyone, it's like even their souls are touching and there is no going back from this.

As they lay together in basking in the afterglow it astounds her just how lucky they are, amidst all the drama, preconceived notions, stubbornness, hurt, betrayal and confusion they have found each other, best friends, lovers, soul mates…

Who knows what will happen next. Serena would come back and maybe she and Dan would make amends, both of them finally moving on and letting go of the past. So would Chuck and Blair, but that would take more time, years even. Things would slowly fall into place. They would be successful doing what they loved the most. Blair would find her sense of belonging. She would let go of old grudges, one day she would be visiting Hudson with Dan and she would realize how happy she really was. People would eventually find their way back to each other, Lily to Rufus, Serena to Nate.

Maybe they would get married and have a couple of kids. Maybe they would all go to the park to feed the ducks, maybe…

"_Sometimes what you want isn't always what you get, but in the end, what you get is so much better than what you wanted" _and that's all that matters…


End file.
